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09-GuideToCrime.txt
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09-GuideToCrime.txt
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1996-01-17
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|1- Crime Guide
By Bolty
I've noticed quite a few articles in The Word detailing how to get away
with various criminal activities, so here is my ultimate guide to crime.
The guide tells you how to get hold of a book detailing how to commit
every known crime in the country, as well as going into more detail with
popular crimes.
|1- DISCLAIMER
I take no RESPONSIBILITY for the BOLLOCKS contained within this guide.
The guide below is for INFORMATION purposes only, and is not intended to
actually be carried out. Doing so would be ILLEGAL, and you would be
liable to PROSECUTION if you were caught by the POLICE.
How To Get Hold Of A More Complete Guide To Criminal Procedures
===============================================================
1- Go down to the local library and ask for a book, or a set of books
detailing English Law.
2- Once the books have been located, kick the librarian in the fanny
and run away with the books.
3- Congratulations! You have already committed 2 crimes!
4- Now you need to steal a crate of Tippex from your local stationary
shop.
5- When you get home with books and tippex, start scanning through the
books for terms such as "Do not", and use the tippex to get rid of the
"not" E.g. "Do not set fire to buildings" becomes "Do <tippex> set
fire to buildings"
6- Proceed through the books in a similar fashion, until you reach the
end.
7- Now you can read through the edited books which will tell you how
to commit all English crimes.
A few Crimes In More Detail
===========================
Committing Murder -TM
=====================
A technique involving intentionally ending another person's life.
1- Get a big knife and put it in your pocket.
2- Find someone you hold a slight grudge against, or perhaps just pick
someone you see in the street who happens to be a bit ugly. Make sure
you have thought carefully about your victim before proceeding to
stage
3, to make sure you can pick up the added bonus crime of
"Pre-meditated Murder" -TM
3- Remove knife from pocket and approach the chosen person.
4- Plunge the knife several times into the person's chest, abdomen,
neck or head.
5- Check for a pulse by gently holding 2 fingers on the person's neck.
If you feel no pulse then well done! You have just "committed a
murder" -TM.
6- Run away quickly.
7- If you get bored of the above method then just use your imagination.
There are many other fun ways of "committing murder" -TM.
Robbing A Bank -TM
==================
The act of unlawfully obtaining money from a bank, usually with the
aid of a fire-arm
1- Go to a toy shop/ model shop/ gun shop and obtain an Uzi 9mm toy
gun/ air pistol/ sub machine gun.
2- Enter your local bank/ building society/ post office, and approach
the counter brandishing the firearm acquired in stage 1.
3- In a cool calm voice, say to the assistant "Give us the fuckin'
money, bitch"
4- Make sure you have been handed at least £10,000, and then vacate
the bank in a rapid manner.
Drug Related Crime
==================
Taking Drugs - TM
=================
The process in which illegal drugs are consumed by a person.
1- Go to a shitty area of town, where you will find £20 worth of
heroin readily available.
2- Inject the heroin into a vein in your arm or leg: this is "Taking
Drugs" -TM
Supplying Drugs - TM
====================
The act of selling illegal drugs to others
1- Carry out instructions under "How to rob a bank"
2- By £10,000 worth of heroin or crack.
3- Stand out side your local high school and shout out "Drugs for sale
£10 per gram" or some other similar sales banter.
4- Children will flock around to purchase your wares. This is
"Supplying Drugs" -TM
Reckless Driving
=================
The act of driving in a dangerous and irresponsible manner.
1- Go to the bus stop. When a large bus comes kill the driver and
steal the bus. If you are lucky you may also qualify for the bonus
crime of hijacking, if there are enough people on the bus.
2- Take control of the bus and accelerate towards its top speed. When
you see other vehicles approaching, do your best to hit them
3- However, keep an eye out for innocent pedestrians, especially
pensioners, just incase you miss them as you try to run them over.
4- You may also be able to flatten a few cheep buildings with your
bus. Be on the lookout for Barratt housing estates, which should pose
no problem to you.
5- Keep going until you run out of fuel, or you get bored, then run
away.
6- If you get caught, just tell the cops that you were filming a scene
for "Speed 2", and you will get away with it easily.
I think I'll end my guide to crime now, due to the fact that it is a
load of crap.
End